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A.Richard Allen
He moves!
posted:
My 9 month old son has (in a non Kafkaesque way) just turned into a beetle. All of a sudden he's crawling. Occasionally capsizing but more often than not just gleefully, purposefully plodding. Infact more mollusc-like than beetle-y as he leaves a trail of drool everywhere. It's a lovely yet, alarming development- I'm having to teach his older sister coping strategies for when he's pawing her or her toys. And there's a return to stairgates so the whole house becomes a max security penetentiary. I'm most worried about a lethal fireplace in the living room. It's a tacky mausoleum of a hearth (a monolithic structure combining stone cladding*, a marble 'headstone' and a flame effect gas fire. All purchased by the previous owner about 15 years back for nigh on £2000 ($4000)- they left us the receipts.

What previously was just an eyesore looks like a potential headsore- a skull dasher- for a freshly mobile babe. Am unsure if I should take a sledgehammer to it (though turning the corner of the lounge into a rockery isn't much of a solution) or cover the whole thing in foam or bubblewrap.

Hey! Here's a thought: any drawgers who'd like a genuine olde English fireplace (c.1990)- I'll arrange to have it shipped across- just like London Bridge, for you to reassemble in your homestead.



* stone cladding: a British phenomenon of the 80s onwards 'HOMEOWNER! Irreparably transform the facade of your house and knock thousands off its resale value (and that of your neighbours houses)!' A bizarrely coloured faux stone covering- supposed to look rustic but suggesting the bridges and castles that are found in fishtanks.
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