Christoph Hitz
Country Living; "The Alien Badonkadonk Episode"
I wear sunglasses and earmuff's while cutting grass, my Kabota tractor is loud and smelly and the pollen and insects are at a constant buzz.
I find all kinds of things while hovering through my grassy kingdom on my orange throne. Things like: box turtles, baby deer, mice, bones, feathers, rare flowers, kids toys and burned out fireworks, you get the picture. At all times I'm prepared to stop, avoid or cut, leaving beneficial plants like milkweed standing for the next generation of monarch butterfly or stopping for big chunks of wood left by the spring flood. Around the house the grass is somewhat shorter, with the mower deck low, I keep a look out for strewn kids toys and stones peaking through the ground. I was just making my turns when I saw it first. My initial thought was, it's a deflated ball, as I got closer, a bread, a badonkadonk, an alien brain. At this point, I stopped and gave it the "Is It Dead Nudge" with my foot. Holy shitake, I found two giant mushrooms. I quickly secured my treasure and drove to the house. My online research confirmed my suspicion, I found a giant puffball (Calvatia gigantea) or the Tofu of the grass meadow.
The largest "Giant Puffball" ever found was 8 feet, so these where still babies.
At this point my cooks heart started to beat a bit faster. I fond some advise on how to prepare a Giant Puffball on the net and proceeded to present my dinner plans to my family. My wife needed irrefutable proof to eat "That Thing" and my son Emmett's eyes got larger than the mushrooms and he uttered the words "Crazy Dad". Should I skip the plan? I wrapped the "Thing" in plastic and placed it in the refrigerator. The next day, I called Goldin: Hey dude, I found some mushrooms, wanna come for lunch? I would  love to, but my car is busted. On that note, I knew I was on my own and started to heat the skillet.
For the reader who is concerned about my health. This meal was consumed 3 days ago.
I peeled the mushrooms skin, cut it like a loaf of bread, minced 3 large garlic cloves, 3 slices of bacon and picked about 20 sage leafs from my garden. By the time I hear the bacon bits sizzling, I added the garlic and sage leafs followed by the white slabs of mushroom. Soon the kitchen started filled up with an aroma that said lunch. What a heavenly combo, golden browned garlic with fried sage, bacon bits on "Tofu of the meadow" with a scoop of heirloom tomato salad.
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