Joseph Fiedler
December 2009
Work at Year's End
Tufts Medical Center/ Memories / AD Betsy Hayes
..."In December, even the Professor walks fast!"

Japanese saying

This is a time of transitioning, of year's end reconsiderations and of tying up loose ends. In that spirit, I present some recent work.  Wishing all the best for 2010!

Tufts Medical Center/Memories / AD Betsy Hayes
New York Times Science/Organ Donation for Money / AD Peter Morance
Delaware Today / L is for Liberal/ AD Kelly Carter
Plansponsor Magazine / Disaster Clean Up/ AD Soojin Buzelli
Moviemaker Magazine / How to be a Film Festival Darling/AD Rob Hewitt
Security Management Magazine / 2008 DNC Security Measures/ AD Roy Comiskey
BORN of GRISTLE: The True Story of Santa Claus
I thought that I'd post the COMPLETE version of my Holiday tale [which has been serialized on Facebook the past couple of weeks] here @ the D.

Enjoy with a cup of cheer!

Santa's Elves are beginning to awake from their long slumber!

The faint scent of Camembert and reindeer urine fills the frigid air.

Dimly lit by oil lamps, a breakfast of salted seal blubber and weak tea.

There is a vast Gulag of Elf Comit [work-camps] stretching from Nunavut to Svalbard. After their sleep, the Elves will begin their work.

Factions of the Arctic Claus Suomi [tribal sect] have lived predatory lives for many centuries keeping the Elf Suomi in perpetual bondage.

Seasonally migratory, a single Claus Suomi can travel over 400,000 miles in a year circulating among the various Comit as well as delivering the “toys”.

Each Claus Suomi is ruled by an elder know as a Santa. The Santa presides over each Suomi with the authority of a mullah and is a representative in an Apatty [Diet/Parliment], which convenes once each season the date of which is determined by a roll of “dice” -Skira, carved from the skull bones of a maternal ancestor.

Each biannual Apatty is a gathering of tribes, which includes all active Santi. The occasion can last as long as one week or more and usually involves many hours of deliberation on internecine squabbles [Raguloki] involving the most mundane, quotidian sort of jurisprudence.

However, the Apatty ceremony also contains many moving scenes of intense, transcendent, devotional ecstasy whereby the yearly “lists” [Koma-guchi] of the children are read aloud, by firelight to the mournful sounds of a Flippa [a type of ancient, Pan-Asi-Arctic flute] and accompanied by the bovine-like lowing of the Elves.

Every Santa has a choice of wives from which to call “Mrs.” in a manner similar to that of a harem. The “Mrs.” Claus run the day-to-day affairs in the Comit such as administering to the many Elves, feeding the caribou as well as the Santa and of course submitting to fornication [not only with the Santa but also with any friends of his who might drop in, not unlike the practices of many Inuit groups seen in movies].

This “sharing” is known as doing “Boo-Boo” to the Claus and more recently as “Messing with Pu-Pu” to the younger generation. At this time of year, it is said that large congregational bevies of naked “Mrs.” Claus can be spotted by low flying planes frolicking in snow drifts as close as 100 kilometers from Wapusk National Park, near Manitoba.

The “Angel Frolic”, as it is known to those who study the Claus Suomi, serves as a female bonding practice similar to that found among the Sili-ahols of the barren northern Pacific atoll of Paaketpuul, but using snow rather than sand for the ritual.

The Claus and Elf Suomi have herded caribou for hundreds of generations enduring the harshest conditions offered by our blue planet. Snow, ice, deer leather, dogs, seal meat and the occasional polar bear are all they know. Their world is a swirling, frozen bubble, a snowy ice dome above the cold and dark water of the Arctic Circle, just several feet below them.

It was a little over 200 years ago that various factors convened to jeopardize fragile Polar living conditions, which had reached an extremely low point for the hardscrabble Arctic Suomi. Rising temperatures, famine and devastation to caribou herds due to Caribou Wasting Disease [CWD] wreaked havoc in the frozen north.

At that time, a mercantile sales rep in the Northern Territories, working free-lance and on commission out of Fargo, North Dakota, happened upon a former associate of a minor forestry administration worker from Manitoba in a bar called “Le´Clifford” just outside of Leaf Rapids, near Granville Lake.

The sales rep went by the name of O. Lenoir and the former associate’s name was Bill. In a lengthy, ethanol fueled and often-rambling conversation, Bill revealed to O. Lenoir that his friend [the minor forestry administrator] had known for some time about the plight of the Artic Suomi [“snow eaters” and “icicle suckers”, he called them time and again].

In a ripe voice punctuated by a productive, fruity cough, Bill suggested that the forestry administrator had indicated that the Suomi were desperate and were willing and ready to talk to “the out-side” and that they would “collaborate” in any way that they could in order to obtain enough money to feed their herds and fornicate.

This, by the way, was all by the by and really just a miniscule tangent of the actual protracted conversation, mentioned as casually as all that and then dropped just as quickly. But, O. Lenior had an entrepreneurial streak in him and so he took the initiative never the less.

Three days later he wrote to a supplier, with whom he had worked with previously, and inquired as to the availability of a certain, cheap doll that he had recalled seeing in a shop catalogue that his wife had looked at during their recent holiday in Winkler, a small town close to the US border between Morris and Drayton.

Lenoir had an idea! By convincing the Santa Claus Suomi, through connections provided by the minor forestry administration worker from Manitoba, to act as “distributors” for the recently launched enterprise of Yakov-Lenoir & Sons Mercantile Associates Inc. of Fargo, North Dakota, O. Lenoir started a chain of events that has yielded one of the most enduring and commercially successful business partnerships extant.

The minor forestry administrator, whose name was Vigaasa, was handsomely rewarded with an enticing position in Prince Albert National Park, which is just outside Saskatchewan.

According to surviving documents retrieved from Yakov-Lenoir archives after the Great Fargo Fire of 1912, we now know that, among the items that O. Lenoir ordered in that very first shipment [besides the cheap doll], were several sets of Chinese handcuffs, fake plastic vomit, Venus Flytrap seeds and imitation horse droppings arranged in a fancy box to simulate fine chocolates.

Lenoir had a peculiar sense of what people wanted, a fact exemplified by a surviving engraved note that accompanied the inaugural shipment which bore the mysterious inscription “Born of Gristle” in green foil on a plain, oak-tag card. Arcane as the slogan was, Lenoir’s impeccable, savvy selections on that auspicious occasion were soon sold out from Alberta to Ostrov Kotel’nyy with numerous items placed on back-order.

It didn’t hurt that Lenoir’s wife was cousin to a man connected by family to large rail concerns who commandeered a surveying expedition in the North West Territories for that purpose. Rumored to have the ear [he was present at the signing of the Oregon Treaty in 1846] of a James Knox Polk, soon to become the 11th President! The man was Constantine “Smooth Connie” Le´Clifford, owner of the bar where Lenoir met Bill.

Over the years, the Santa Claus Suomi [SCS] have accrued tremendous wealth and power. Due largely to the enthusiasm and prescient thinking of O. Lenoir, the SCS persevered to become second only to the Vatican as a powerful nation state. Their pan-cultural significance, having been established beyond question, is sealed.

That is, until the recent inquires over transparency regarding their unique and deeply entrenched business ties as well as allegations of certain ethical lapses [White Slave Trading and Polygamy] have shed a spotlight on this shadowy world, a world hovering somewhere between sweat and ribbons, tears and ice.

A commission based in Linkoping is currently looking into allegations that the SCS have close ties to Norwegian Cosa Nostra [NCN] and subsequently, large American manufacturing concerns.

To date, no one has been able to produce evidence confirming these allegations. The solitary witness according to The Guardian is an aged Lithuanian sailor [Lisspn Jaak] who claims to have run Barbie Dolls to Minsk under the aegis of immunity by smuggling them through customs in the diplomatic pouch during the Brezhnev administration.

Should it be proven true that the SCS do in fact have ties to commercial entities, should the Yakov/Lenoir/Claus triad see the cold light of day, then it would appear that the Elf Comit are set to become the next Bangladesh.

Will the fragile ecosystem of our great frozen north become overrun with corporate invaders and more chilly maquilladoras? Pacific Radio is already reporting on talks between KFC and the SCS. When reached for comment, Linkoping Commission Chairman, Maalmo Szczecin was unequivocal saying only that…”it’s too fackin’culd up ‘ere!”

To make matters worse, if the SCS react negatively to pressure from the Commission, it could perpetuate a “blow-back” not unlike that certain Middle Eastern Fundamentalist Splinter Groups [MEFSG] inveigh upon “imperialists”. In a video released early last year SCS’s Borland Ostersund stated clearly that there might indeed be “disruptive actions” should Linkoping push too hard.

What form these “actions” might take is anybody’s guess at this point. Few are willing to rule out sporadic, mysterious E. Coli outbreaks and “low impact” tactics such as needle jabbing and excessive, advertent gang farting [swarm flatus] in crowded areas especially during peak holiday shopping hours.

Already, in parts of northern Norway near the town of Trondheim, there are reports, again in the Guardian, of finding Elf saliva on several “toys” purportedly found in dumpsters located near popular shopping centers. To some analysts, it appears, the fight has already, technically, begun.

The Yakov-Lenoir & Sons Mercantile Associates Inc. of Fargo, North Dakota is hardly a household name and with good reason as the nebulous firm has employed impeccable deceptive finesse in the area of corporate subterfuge and public relations. But who is it then, who hasn’t heard of Santa Claus?

The innovative Yakov-Lenoir branding strategy is perhaps the most enduring in the history of marketing. Linking an attempt at boosting sales, using the most unusual slogan in history, to a 2,000-year-old religious holiday and implemented by dwarf-slave Eskimos, Lenoir’s entrepreneurial gamble grew into a massive, profitable enterprise not to be rivaled since the times of Charlemagne. Happy Winter and a Scary-Merry Christmas Everyone!



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